Never, Never
by SomewhereElse31
Summary: Cammie says good-bye to Zach in a unique way. Sad and lonely one-shot.


_Dear Zach,_

_Well, here it goes. _

_I am sorry for running out on you. I hope you know why I did. I can't believe you put all that together all for me. It made writing this from the lonely and cold train car even harder to write. It's almost dark and I won't be able to see much longer, and honestly, with every mile I go farther and farther into the darkness, the more light I think I see at the end of the tunnel. But I haven't reached the light yet, and I don't think I ever will. _

_Trust me, marrying you is what I want to do. I really do. But I can't. I couldn't. Not with everything that has happened. _

_Wow, the pit in my stomach is even bigger than I thought it would be. I feel empty, like nothing is inside of me, because it is wherever you are, yet I feel heavy and it hurts to move. Maybe it's the cold, and the fact that I don't have a blanket, but there is something telling me (actually it is my bare ring finger telling me) that it's because of what I did and how I left you there without an explination. _

_I used to believe in love. In a way I still do, but not the kind of love I saw my mother use when she missed my dad. When she would curl up like an infant and cry, or when she would try to cook tacos and feel tears running down her cheeks because it was his favorite food. I always knew she still loved him, but what I didn't understand is how her love faded. Life became easier for her, why? Why was it easier for her to love without him? The only thing I can think of is that her love faded. _

_Don't worry, my love for you didn't fade. My hope for a happy ending did. I don't want to end up like my mother, wasting away and letting our love die out when (or if) something bad happenes to you._

_Fairy Tales are where I got the crazy idea that love always wins, and always has a way of working out. After living in this crazy world I know that a lot of the time love doesn't triumph. I'm sorry because I know that is what a lot of us want to hear. _

_I wanted a happy ending, where you would scoop me up in your arms and we would ride away into the sunset. Both of us know how unrealistic that is. We are spies, your mother still wants whatever I have and we know she won't stop until she gets it. I can't live that kind of life Zach. I just can't. _

_Always running, always hiding, always being someone else. I want to be Cammie, I want to be myself. I don't want to put children through that. Did you ever think about that? When we would decide to have kids, would we tell them about us? I would never lie to my children, that is something I hated my mother for doing. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly, but all the secrets she kept from me really put a toll on me Zach. I don't want to be that kind of mother. _

_You know you are my soulmate. That will never change. But I think we need to evaluate the situation before we go and rush into something as big as spending our lives together. The last thing I want is for someone who isn't on our side finding out about us and what we have, because they would use it against us. I don't want that. I don't want to have to choose between my job and you, because I know too much. I always have and I always will. Once a spy always a spy. _

_However, while I don't want to wake up one morning with you being gone, I don't want you waking up and me being gone. I know it will hurt you, trust me, I _never_ wanted to hurt you, but...I have to. _

_Life sucks._

_Love sucks. _

_And I know you probably won't forgive me for a while, but try to put yourself in my position Zach. Would you want someone to use me to get to you? I don't want to be someone's bait to get to you. I don't want you to be a bait for me. _

_They will use everything we have, everything we have _ever_ had, against us. _

_Remember when we were sent to Paris on that mission two years ago and somehow I got lost? And you left the guy you were tailing to come and find me? Yeah, that can _never_ happen again. _

_Spies can't be in love, it obviously never works out. Just look at our parents. Yours had some demented sort of relationship that I _still_ don't know the whole story of. But my parents, my parents Zach...my mother still isn't the same. And she never will be. _

_Yes, this is selfish, but don't find somebody else. I don't want to, because I know someday they will end up like we did. Save your heart Zach, and maybe when the world is good and peaceful, or when your mom is dead (sorry) and the COC is gone, we can love eachother again. Like I said, I won't love anybody else, and I will save it all for you. _

_I love you and hope you understand. _

_~Cammie_


End file.
